Per Bastemhet

Crossroads

with 7 comments

I know I haven’t posted recently, and I suppose my religious activity has taken a backseat to a lot of very difficult life events.  It’s sad that that’s one of the first things to go when other priorities come calling.  Actually, recently (by recently I mean sometime within the last few months) I had yet another one of those screaming, crying, Bast my goddess won’t you help me in SOME way type breakdowns (I’m sure some of you may have experienced this at some point), and for the first time I in a LONG time I got a clear response from her.

In her typical distant, unattached way, she asked me a very good question that was also like a slap in the face.

“What do you want?”

And of course my immediate response was something like “WELL SOME KIND OF EMOTIONAL SUPPORT OR SOMETHING.  FUCKING ANYTHING.  ANYTHING BUT COMPLETE SILENCE WOULD BE FUCKING NICE.”

But after a few seconds it got me thinking.  I wasn’t actually being that clear on what I wanted from her.  From the beginning, she had been clear with me that the type of relationship we had was I was to grovel, she was the master.  She was the supreme, I was the peon.  And I admit, in this kind of relationship I don’t see any cuddling.  Actually. my akh grandmother has been a HUGE emotional support to me in these troubling times, much more than Bast has been.  And I suspect that Bast has helped me in her own way, giving me opportunities and leading me to advance without actually making it very obvious that it was thanks to her.  But I really need to ask myself as clearly as she asked me…what do I want from her?  What kind of relationship do I need with her?  What am I willing to put in?  What should my expectations be?  I mean, should I even bother at all?  How far does faith stretch until it snaps?

That question has been posed and I have yet to answer it.  And I wish it weren’t that way, because serving her in the past has been a source of great spiritual fulfillment for me.  However, my life has changed, my circumstances have changed, my priorities have changed, my resources have changed, and I think I’ve also changed.  I need to be honest with myself about what kind of place Bast has in my life now, whether that place is still warm and welcoming, or is actually becoming strained.  In no way, shape, or form am I denouncing her.  I guess this would be more like a break than anything else. (fuck, how juvenile, but there you go)

I still love Bast.  I still believe she forms an important part of my life.  She’s a touchstone for everything religious that I believe in.  She’s the glue that holds my belief in Ma’at, in the forces unseen, in the paragon of the Silent Man together.  Without her existence, my world wouldn’t make any fucking sense.

But does that mean we have to be buddies?  Do I have to be close to her?  Do I need to consult her in my daily activities?  Do I have to tend my altar as a home if she’s never going to stay in it?  Because I still believe that a relationship is give and take, and I’ve seen myself giving but never even having her answer the damn godphone.  I’ve had enough of people blowing me off and as awesome as she is, I’m not cool with her doing it either.  Perhaps I haven’t been clear, either, in what I want from her.  She told me that with that one powerful question.

Fuck, if I ever figure it out, I’ll write it here.  But I have a feeling this will take some time.

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Written by Bastemhet

December 2, 2013 at 11:02 am

Posted in Bast, daily life

7 Responses

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  1. I think this partially shows why people in antiquity seemed ot be rather close to their akhu. Your akhu could help you in ways the gods might not be able to- so that seems like something there.
    Additionally, if she’s asking what you want- perhaps its a mixture of what you think you want vs what you actually *need*. Additionally, another point to consider is if you *need* your relationship with her to change as your life has changed, etc.
    I think its certainly an interesting point, though. I don’t know that many Kemetics question what they actually want from the gods. I think many of us get so caught up in OMG A GOD IS PAYING ATTN TO ME that we forget everything else.
    I may very well write a post about this concept ❤

    von186

    December 2, 2013 at 3:42 pm

    • It definitely helps that my grandmother and I already had an established relationship before she passed to the other side. Any kind of perception of paranormal activity for me tends to be not crystal clear, but the feeling of her love is unmistakable. It hasn’t been that easy to develop a relationship that I admit has long since stagnated with a being that I know a lot about but don’t necessarily KNOW.

      You know Devo, sometimes I think about you whenever I do tarot spreads for myself using the Anubis Oracle deck (online) because during the last few years Set ALWAYS shows up in the spread. It’s like I may have mentioned to you before- perhaps he is interested in me at this point, or at least forceful change of the bang-you-with-a-clue-by-four-nature-until-you-GET-it is much more apropos to my situation than Bast’s energy calls for at this time, and she knows this and is actively backing off so that these changes can take place. Thing is I don’t know what I need and maybe she wants me to figure that out, by myself.

      I figure this is a crossroads that a lot of practitioners get to once the honeymoon period wears out. For me it lasted about 5 years, and this is where we see a lot of people either put their books away and get on with their life, or start chasing after new gods to spark that feeling again. I think as a mature adult, I need to have an idea of what kind of relationship I want to dedicate myself to developing. I think she understands this and is encouraging this development. The only thing is it’s damned hard to do it on my own on top of all the other garbage life throws at me. Maybe that’s the point.

      If you do end up writing about it, do post a link here. Not only would it be appropriate but I’d love to read it.

      Bastemhet

      December 2, 2013 at 4:27 pm

      • It reminds me of shadow work, honestly. Time to figure out where you stand in life, and where you want things to go. Reminds me of the NTR going “hey you, grab your life by the reins and charge forward how you see fit”. Its just hard because then you’ve got to figure out where you’re actually going.
        A lot of the time, I think we think we know where we’re going, where we want to go. but we really have no clue XD I knwo I have no clue. Life throws too many curve balls and I change my mind too much.
        Even so. :3 If you ever need to talk, you know where to find me. And if I do write about it, I’ll link to this post so that you get a pingback.

        von186

        December 2, 2013 at 4:54 pm

      • Funny you say shadow work, because after a long time of not looking, I just saw that Dusken over at Dusken Path put up what looks like at first glance a guide on shadow work. This is probably what I’m going to have to look into.

        I fully admit I have no fucking clue what I’m doing, I’m just basically doing my best to make things work in the moment. I have a vague idea of what I want to achieve but am lost to the specific steps to take without going in over my head. Your offer to talk is worth more to me than you may know. Thanks, hon. I hope I can take you up on that soon.

        Bastemhet

        December 2, 2013 at 8:33 pm

  2. If you require a warmer relationship with her, then tell her so. Just because she’s your master doesn’t mean she has to be distant. What do you want from her? Say it. Maybe she can provide, or maybe she can’t, but it helps to get the communication going.

    Ra is my undisputed king. Our relationship was somewhat distant and not very stable at first. I had no problems working with him as a matter of responsibility, but the personal aspect of our relationship took longer to develop. I had to learn how to trust him, and I had to learn how to be upfront with my needs. He had to learn how to make some adjustments too. A relationship that doesn’t meet the needs of both parties isn’t likely to last.

    shezep

    December 2, 2013 at 4:11 pm

    • As great at weaving words as I am, I tend to be a dunderhead when it comes to relationships. You’re definitely right about the need to get communication going. Thing is I’ve reached out so many times already and get complete radio silence. Like I said- maybe I just need to sit on this and figure out what exactly it is that I want before I start bothering her about it.

      Thanks for describing how your relationship developed Shezep. That will definitely be helpful as I try to figure these things out.

      Bastemhet

      December 2, 2013 at 4:30 pm

  3. […] may remember this post that I wrote on Monday about my religious crisis and not being able to feel Bast’s presence in my […]

    On the Path | Per Bastemhet

    December 7, 2013 at 2:37 pm


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