Per Bastemhet


with 2 comments

I really hate feeling vulnerable, but I think this is a truth that everyone needs to hear, especially if you’re like me.

I have a lot of negative thought patterns.  I self-criticize and beat myself up emotionally whenever I commit a mistake.  I call myself a failure that will never live up to what other people want me to be.  I even hate myself sometimes when I emotionally react to others instead of living deliberately.  In the swirling emotions of anger and sadness and fear, I lash out and words come out of my mouth as fast as I can think them.  Seconds later I realize what happened, and the anger I was feeling towards the other person gets compounded into anger at myself.  I punish myself.  I often feel unworthy.  Mistakes made in the present get connected to mistakes made in the past, some of them long, long ago, and swirl and pull me down into a dark muck of despair.  The argument continues, and I don’t know how to stop it anymore.  I know exactly how arguments play out, they’re familiar to me.  What I don’t know how to do is stop the chain reaction and forgive myself, forgive the other person, and let go.

I talked about this with my husband and he told me this anger/sadness that follows me around, hounding me, is like a hungry stray dog.  He says if I feed this dog, it will always come back for more, and will want to eat at my soul when I have nothing else left to give.  If I ignore this dog, however, it will eventually go away.  And every time it comes back, the more I ignore it, the faster it’ll give up and leave me alone.

But I want to take another route.  I want to show this dog kindness.  I want to fill it up fat and thick with a lot of love and happiness.  I want to leave us both fulfilled.  Because I know this dog is really just a part of me that’s starving because I won’t feed it the food it needs.  And I think it will work better this way, feeding the dog.  Feeding it kindness.  Because in the end, I’ll be showing myself kindness too.  Compassion isn’t a one way street.  It doesn’t just apply to other people.  Most importantly of all, it applies to yourself.

Show kindness to yourself.  Don’t let past mistakes repeat themselves endlessly in your mind.  Give them a deadline, if you have to.  “I’ll allow myself to feel bad about this mistake until (this date).”  Any time after this and you’re just letting the wounds fester.  Allow them to heal, instead.  Love yourself, and loving others will come even more easily.  Love yourself, because other people love you too, and there’s a good reason for that.  You have a lot to offer to the world.  Making mistakes is unavoidable.  It’s what you do after that that matters.  And most of all, whether you forgive yourself for it.

All of this is true.

Just for today: 
Do not rise to anger, 
Do not succumb to worry, 
Express Gratitude for all your blessings, 
Apply yourself diligently; 
Manifest Compassion to all beings.

-Dr.Mikao Usui, founder of Usui Reiki

Written by Bastemhet

January 1, 2013 at 7:58 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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2 Responses

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  1. This may sound peculiar or random, but Bast sends you Her love from my state shrine.


    January 2, 2013 at 2:32 am

    • Thank you Shefyt. I’ve only really known Bast’s avenger side, but I’ve heard from her other children that she is also really good for dealing with emotional issues and I am just starting to get to know that side of her as well.


      January 2, 2013 at 8:20 am

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